onlytobenormal | de-aged [For samefivealbums]

"Sammy, no..." In spite of himself, Dean reached out and rested his hands on Sam's shoulders. Kind of wanted to hug him again, but he didn't want to push his luck. This time, he was going to make the lie stick. He'd done his level best to make Dad think this had been all on him and he wanted Sam, this Sam, to believe the exact same thing. No way was he going to let his little brother go around thinking he was some kind of freak for this.

"Listen to me. You didn't do anything wrong, okay? I came to you. It was my idea to go get drunk. I'm the one that..." Yeah, no specifics. "I'm the one that made the first move. I'm your brother. I'm supposed to take care of you. I should have stopped it right then, but I didn't. I was selfish."

"Please, okay? This is not your fault."

"I'm not a kid, Dean," he spat out, that defiant jut to his jaw as he looked up at Dean. He could insist whatever he wanted, but the fact was that at some point, Sam had to stop being just the little brother who followed Dean around and start saying no. Like if his brother made a move he didn't want.

"If I was grossed out, we wouldn't be half-way across the country acting like we're- we're boyfriends or whatever." He winced at Dean's insistence that he should have stopped it, looking down a moment.

"If you're that sure we shouldn't do this, then why are we? You could put a stop to it still, right? But you haven't."

"Because I'm still selfish," Dean answered, his throat feeling tight and raw. "Because I've never been happy like this my whole life and I'm afraid to give it up. Because I don't know how to be me anymore without you in my life."

But he should. If he was honest with himself, he knew he should. Staring across the couch at his little, baby brother was the first time he'd ever felt it this strongly. Even after the blow up at Stanford, even after Dad, even after the demon... none of that had been as scary as sitting there and trying to explain to his tiny brother why he was fucking him.

God, he was going to be sick.

Sam's own stomach was tied up in knots, breath coming in rough because his heart was beating too fast and his eyes were starting to sting a little. But he wasn't a kid and he wasn't going to cry like one either. He managed to take in a deep breath, slower.

Dean looked like he was on the verge of panicking or... or something. "There's gotta... why do you think I stay with you?"

Dean had said he was happy and while Sam wasn't sure how with as weird as this was and all the resulting drama from it, he believed that. Dean wouldn't lie about that, right?

"Dean..."

Panic was a pretty good word for it. His mind was reeling. Now, he was trying to figure out if this weird time-travel shit was the start of this whole thing. Sam said he'd thought about Dean like this for years, but this Sam clearly hadn't ever had that idea. What if Dean was the one who started this whole thing? Put the idea in Sam's head.

He was going to start laughing in a minute. Or screaming. His sanity was hanging on by threads. Didn't know how to answer the question. Why did Sam stay with him? Sam said he loved him. If Dean said that, though, would he just be putting more ideas in the kid's head?

"What, Sam?" He asked, forcing the words out through his throat that was too tight.

Dean hadn't asked if Sam ever had thought about it and Sam hadn't been able to offer it up. Whatever thoughts crossed his mind weren't supposed to happen... he did his best to not dwell on it because Dean was supposed to be grossed out by him, tell him how wrong he was and not- well. This.

And now Dean looked like he was in bad shape and Sam didn't know what to do. He sounded off and it was starting to get a little scary.

He didn't know what to say exactly, so he just reached out to put a hand on Dean's knee, trying to comfort the only way he could right now. "Dean, please... it's-" Not that bad? Well, obviously Dean thought that it was.

"Just- it's not your fault. I don't know details and I don't know what happened, but it's not just your fault, Dean. I know that much."

The kid couldn't really know that, though, could he? Dean could tell Sam wanted it to be true, but Dean was starting to get a real clear picture of what the actual problem was here and it wasn't Sam.

He had to pull himself together, regardless. He could hear the worry and hesitation in Sam's voice. Knew he was freaking his brother out. Jesus Christ. He took a very deep breath and released it slowly, forcing his muscles to untense and sit more normally.

"It's okay, Sammy," he said finally, his voice sounding much closer to normal, thank goodness. He turned to look at his brother and shifted slightly. Finally untwisted his fingers and spread his arms a little, giving Sam a hesitant look. "This it'd be okay if I hugged you for a minute?"

He didn't really know what he wanted right now. He didn't want his brother to hate him and he wasn't sure he wanted this either. He was scared and confused and kind of wished he'd let the whole bed thing go. It wouldn't have worked for long though... it was too weird to overlook forever or buy into Dean's stories wholeheartedly.

At the question, he blinked and snapped back to reality a little. He nodded because, yeah, a hug he could do. "Okay, sure."

Wasn't really worried. He was a kid and Dean wasn't that weird that he thought he had to worry about him doing anything. Not if he was like his Dean anyway. He shifted until he was on his knees on the couch and leaned forward to wrap his arms around Dean's neck. He held on tight and pressed his face to the other's neck.

Never. Dean would never hurt Sam or do anything bad to him. Not this Sam. Even Dean wasn't that sick.

He wrapped his arms around Sam tightly and rested his chin on Sam's shoulder. Dean wasn't angry with Sam. Not even at the thought his brother might have been seriously disgusted by this. It wasn't something he should be okay with. Hell, just ask Dad.

Dean closed his eyes and allowed himself one moment of comfort. "It'll be okay, Sammy. I promise."

Sam let his body slump against Dean's and just let himself hold on for now. "You're big," he grumbled half-heartedly. Felt more like hugging Dad than Sam... not that he hugged Dad all that often anymore. God, he felt tired now, exhausted in so many ways.

He nodded at those words, letting himself believe them. Things hadn't seemed bad from what he'd seen. He was in college and apparently, they had friends and a normal life. It was just... this thing between them.

"It's not- just because you're selfish or whatever, Dean," he muttered finally, torn between squirming closer and pulling away. "I've... kinda thought about stuff before-- just." Not sex exactly. At this age, Sam was just thrilled to have gotten a kiss from a pretty girl. He wasn't really thinking about sex, even if his brother kept insisting it was the greatest thing ever. He was sure it was, but he also wasn't making any plans on it happening for him anytime soon.

"Don't be pissed." He didn't think this Dean would be, but it had been way too hard to get those words out without feeling like a freak to have Dean blow up at him too.

Dean rubbed slow, careful circles against Sam's back with one hand. Wanted to give him plenty of time to tell him to stop if he wanted to. He just thought Sam needed some comfort, too. This all had to be a nightmare for the kid.

"Gotta be big to contain all this awesome, you know," he answered half-heartedly. Awesome was the last thing he felt like right now.

"And I'm not pissed at you, Sammy. Not even a little bit." He tightened his arms a little, giving a little squeeze. "Can't be pissed at you for any of this."

Sam didn't want him to. The touches were soothing and familiar at least and he just found himself relaxing even further against his brother.

"Then I'm more awesome with as big as I get." That was still totally cool.

"Good." He gave a nod, squeezing in return and tipped his head in against Dean's shoulder, just resting there. "I don't want you to be, man."

Dean breathed a small sigh of relief when Sam settled and relaxed against him. He wouldn't have been able to handle it if Sam had been too afraid to get close to him. "Yeah, you're pretty awesome, dude."

Instinctively, he rocked a little, hanging on to Sam and letting his brother rest against him. "I'm always going to love you, whatever happens. Always going to have your back."

"I love you too, Dean." The rocking was a little kiddish and he kind of wanted to point it out, but at least Dean seemed to be calming down from earlier. He didn't want to wreck that.

The rocking was more for Dean than Sam, honestly. His current calm was being maintained by force of will alone. Any little comfort he could find, he was going to take right now, if it meant not freaking out in front of Sam. He could do that later, after the kid was asleep.

"You about ready for bed, Sammy? Think I've traumatized you enough for one day."

He snorted at that and rubbed his cheek against Dean's shoulder lightly, pressing in a little closer to his brother. "Guess so." He hesitated a moment. He still wasn't sure what to think about all this, if he should be mad at Dean or himself or... it was too weird to just accept.

But he didn't think there was any way he was sleeping soundly tonight and Dean was the only familiar face around. "Can you stay with me? You know, for a little while."

He felt stupid and kiddish for that, but... the alternate was sitting awake with Ozzy for company. Ozzy was great, but he didn't make very good conversation.

"Sure, Sammy." Dean didn't mind sitting with him. Focusing on Sam kept his mind off himself and he really, really didn't want to think about himself right now. If he could just focus on taking care of Sam right now, maybe he'd have time to get past this hysteria trying to strangle him from the inside out.

Letting go was hard. Dean's arm's didn't want to unwind. Slowly, he forced himself to let go.

"C'mon. Go get ready for bed. I'll be in in a minute." Better to let Sam change and crawl in before he went in to find clothes to sleep in.

"Okay..." Reluctantly, he shifted away from Dean and headed into the bedroom to get changed into pajamas. It was almost daunting to even look at that bed knowing what must happen in it with Dean. He put the thoughts out of his head before he crawled up under the covers and got settled in.

He couldn't help worrying he'd wrecked this... whatever his life had become. Part of him thought maybe he shouldn't be sorry, it was weird. Another part was just freaking out over what to do if he remembered all this, if he should do what Dean said and not let him spend the night... or at least not give Dean the chance to make a move.

But why would Dean have made a move in the first place and-- He let out a frustrated noise and huddled under the covers a little further, face half-buried against a pillow.

Dean gave him time to get settled, then he followed in behind him. He grabbed a t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants to change into, then disappeared into the bathroom to do it. It felt weird doing all these precautions, but Dean couldn't make himself do anything else right now. Had to keep that space.

When he came out, he stepped over and stretched out on his side of the bed. He reached over and carefully put a hand on Sam's back, starting up those slow circles again.

Sam sighed at those touches, relaxing a little bit. For awhile, he just laid there, not sure what to say or do right now, but he did eventually look back at Dean. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, sure dude." Dean wasn't too sure the answer would win him any points, whatever it was, but at this point he couldn't really fuck things up any worse, right? Hopefully...

He shifted a little bit, turning to face Dean. "Would you want to change any of this if you could? Between us, I mean." He'd assume Dean would want to change people finding out or whatever else had gone wrong.

"Just the stuff between us? No, not really. It's... we both know it's not normal or whatever, but we're both happy. If I thought for a second that you were unhappy with it, I'd end it right there, but..." He trailed off and shrugged. Every out he'd tried to give Sam had been refused. Sam didn't seem to want this to end any more than Dean did.

"Hm..." He nodded at that answer, not really sure what to say any more than he was earlier. He did scoot a little closer though, relaxing a little bit. "Good night, Dean."

"Night, Sammy." Since his brother moved closer, Dean figured he hadn't completely alienated him yet. He reached up and brushed Sam's hair back softly. His hand kept stroking Sam's hair softly, hopefully helping him settle in to sleep.

de-aged [For samefivealbums]

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