onlytobenormal | this was always built to crash [for samefivealbums]

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this was always built to crash [for samefivealbums]

Sam hadn't been gone an hour and that alone should alert Dean to something being wrong. Today should have been a long one--full of late classes and maybe meeting with friends after and getting in just in time to see his big brother off in time for work. Maybe give him something more than just a goodbye kiss, if they were both feeling up for it.

But it wasn't the case today. Sam was running in the front door, slamming it shut behind him. He looked breathless and flushed, like he'd been running and wide-eyed... maybe even scared. He didn't know if Dean would be awake or still resting up before work, but maybe the ruckus would have startled him. Either way, plans had changed, things had gone to shit like he'd feared they would right from the start.

Maybe he'd cry if every instinct in him wasn't screaming to run, to hide, and maybe to protect his big brother, protect them. Oh god, they'd need protecting too.

"Dean!" he called out, moving towards the bedroom. "Dean, we need to talk, now."

God, what were they going to do... this was so bad.

Everyone... God, everyone he knew and even people he didn't-- they knew. They knew and there was everything from disgust to filthy comments that had his stomach turning to... oh god, just everything. Even offers to help him get help of some kind to questioning if Dean was making him do this somehow because who could possibly fuck their own sibling willingly--which nearly got him to lose his temper.

That's when he left.

But that wasn't even the end more disturbing news. There was so much more than that.

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"I think it's a possibility. I don't actually know what the alternatives would be. I mean, it's not like you're gonna want to go back to the hunting life, right?" He shrugged, glancing over at Sam. Hunting and the brief stint of 'normal and settled' at Stanford was all Dean knew. If there was another option, he wasn't seeing it.

Sam shrugged, shaking his head. "I just... I tried normal and I kinda failed at it, Dean. I ended up being more of a freak than I ever was back in high school actually."

And yeah, okay, it was still fresh and it still stung to see the reactions of everyone he'd considered a friend. It was understandable none of them had been approving... he'd actually approve of that crap? But still... didn't exactly leave him open to setting himself up for it again so soon.

"You really think no one's going to find out about us again?"

It stung a little to be the thing that made Sam 'more of a freak', but he let it go. It was more or less his fault, anyway. "I'm just considering options. I don't know what else to do."

He glanced over and nodded. "Always gonna be a possibility for us, I think. Unless we pack up and leave for another country where no one knows us. I really don't know how else to keep it completely safe."

He was a freak all on his own, even if Dean hadn't-- wanted this or had walked out on it. He'd wanted it and he'd be lying if he said he hadn't. He should probably feel more guilty about it than he did, more ashamed. "I know, Dean..."

He didn't know what to do either. "I don't either... I wish I did. I guess we just--decide after we go back to the apartment for the rest of our stuff. I don't know."

"Guess there's no rush." He shrugged. "If you're completely sure that you're not going back to Stanford -- and I definitely see why you'd make that decision -- then, there's really no need to rush into a choice. Like you said, we can always take that roadtrip. Maybe we'll stumble across some place we wanna settle on?"

"Dean, I mean, it's not like I want to leave school, but... how the hell can I go back? Either people are disgusted or wanting to help me get help or just... they don't even know how to act." He shrugged, starting to direct them back towards the motel.

"I can't face that every day, people looking at me like I'm wrong or-- people thinking you're forcing it on me or manipulating me some way." He paused, looking down. "I mean, I know it's wrong, what we do... at least to most people, but it-- doesn't feel that way when we're together. Does it?"

It never felt perverted or disgusting... he just-- loved Dean. In ways he shouldn't, but that... argument with himself became old a long time ago. "Yeah... maybe we'll find another place."

Felt more like wishful thinking at this point though.

"I know, Sam. I understand." He really kind of did. It didn't make it any easier, though. The need to help Sam... fix what was wrong... was still a powerful drive, even now.

He reached over and pressed a hand gently between his brother's shoulder blades. "Take a few days. A few weeks if you want. We'll roam around, see what sticks. I'm gonna back you up, whatever you decide."

"Alright..." He sighed at the touch, looking over his shoulder at the other. Appreciated the support, that Dean wasn't-- running as far away as possible after this fiasco. "Thanks, Dean..."

Dean smiled a little and let his hand slip off his back. Didn't want to be too close and make Sam uncomfortable in public. Especially not now. "Anytime, Sam."

At the room, he stepped ahead to unlock the door and let Sam and Ozzy in. He bent to take off the puppy's harness and put it away. Then poured out some food and water into the dog's bowls. He turned back to Sam. "Ready for breakfast?"

"Yep, let's go." He nodded. Now, he was actually kind of hungry, so definitely looking forward to go grabbing something somewhere. When Dean was ready to go, he headed out to the Impala and around to the passenger side while he waited on his brother.

Dean didn't keep him waiting too long. He was hungry, for one, and wanted to make sure Sam ate while he was hungry. His little brother had a knack for forgetting to take care of himself while he was upset. And he had a lot to be upset about now.

He slipped into the driver's seat and started the engine. Flashed Sam a smile and then pulled out of the parking lot, heading for the diner. "Anything else you feel like doing today?"

Sam settled into seat, eyes focused out the window when Dean spoke up. It was easier to say they were just on a trip than actually act like it, honestly. It didn't help that where they wound up wasn't particularly big, didn't have a lot to do. Little hard to muster up the drive to really want to do anything when it was hard to get his mind off things. He shrugged. "I don't care."

He looked over. "You, Dean?"

"Nothing I can think of right off hand," he admitted with a shrug. It was hard to be enthused in their situation. He wanted to be, for Sam's sake, but he was kind of running on empty too.

"Maybe something will come up after we eat..."

"Yeah, maybe so..." Or maybe they'd feel more like doing something tomorrow. Sam-- hated this, not having any plan or goal. Feeling stuck. He was trying to ignore it as much as he could.

"That's the place, up there."

"Okay." He turned the Impala into the parking lot and parked near the door. Before they went in, he reached over and squeezed Sam's hand lightly, down near the seat to stay out of sight. "Love you."

He released his brother's hand and slipped out of his seat to head inside.

Sam paused at the touch, convincing a smile to his lips though it might not quite have reached his eyes. "Yeah... I know, Dean. Love you too."

He was soon slipping out to follow Dean inside and once they were settled in a table, turned his attention to the menu.

Dean asked for a coffee when the waitress came over and then picked up the menu to glance through it. Standard diner fare. Shouldn't be too hard to find something good. It was difficult to damage the classics.

Sam settled on coffee as well and after deciding what he wanted to order after a moment, put the menu down and turned his attention out the window for something to focus on... but there wasn't much out there besides a clear shot of the parking lot.

Just sitting around, pretending that this... wasn't as bad as it was, that things weren't so messed up for them right now was going to drive him crazy, but he honestly didn't know what to do.

Well, he knew. They should go back, handle the apartment business, but the thought still turned his stomach a little. It'd make it that much more real if they did and it still hadn't sunk in that he'd really blown his chances at Stanford, at something nice and safe and he'd taken the chance from Dean too.

"You're brooding," Dean murmured gently as he watched Sam stare out the window. He couldn't know what his brother was thinking, but he had a fair idea of the overall themes. Wished like hell that there was something he could do...

"What can I do to help?"

"M'not brooding... I was thinking," he protested, looking back over at Dean. And he knew his brother meant well, he really did. But there wasn't-- any fixing this or helping it.

"Nothing, Dean... I'm fine." Except the part where he wasn't, but then, neither was Dean.

Sam was clearly not fine, but Dean wasn't willing to make things worse by pushing right now. He supposed that the best he could do for his brother would be to keep quiet and just back him up the best he could.

He fiddled with his coffee when it arrived and started doctoring it up with sugar. It gave him something to focus on.

He grabbed for the sugar as well, dumping the packets into his coffee quietly. "Maybe we should go back... get everything packed up. Something useful to do at least."

Instead of just standing around awkwardly wondering what to do next.

"We can, whenever you're ready." Dean took a sip of his coffee and shrugged a little. He still thought he should do it alone and spare sam the possibility of running into some of his so-called friends, but Sam didn't seem real receptive to the idea when he suggested it before. "Might call ahead to the rental agency and find out what it's going to cost us to break the lease."

"Yeah... okay. You want to make the call? Tomorrow or something..." Dean kept wanting to handle all this-- hadn't even wanted him to come along, but Sam wasn't going to just run away and hide behind his big brother. Besides, maybe he wanted to have some words with those so-called friends anyway--if they were going to come up and say crap to him about what they didn't understand. Something he couldn't even hope to explain... didn't know how to explain.

Just this, whatever between them, didn't feel wrong. Not like it did to most everyone.

"If you want me to." He'd figured Sam would do the calling, since the lease was in his name, but he'd be happy to do it if his brother wanted him to. It wasn't that Dean didn't want Sam there or involved. He just wanted to protect him and shield him from as much of this as he could.

Of course, watching Sam take a few of those loudmouth college brats apart would be fun, too.

this was always built to crash [for samefivealbums]

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