this was always built to crash [for samefivealbums]

[onlytobenormal]

Sam hadn't been gone an hour and that alone should alert Dean to something being wrong. Today should have been a long one--full of late classes and maybe meeting with friends after and getting in just in time to see his big brother off in time for work. Maybe give him something more than just a goodbye kiss, if they were both feeling up for it.

But it wasn't the case today. Sam was running in the front door, slamming it shut behind him. He looked breathless and flushed, like he'd been running and wide-eyed... maybe even scared. He didn't know if Dean would be awake or still resting up before work, but maybe the ruckus would have startled him. Either way, plans had changed, things had gone to shit like he'd feared they would right from the start.

Maybe he'd cry if every instinct in him wasn't screaming to run, to hide, and maybe to protect his big brother, protect them. Oh god, they'd need protecting too.

"Dean!" he called out, moving towards the bedroom. "Dean, we need to talk, now."

God, what were they going to do... this was so bad.

Everyone... God, everyone he knew and even people he didn't-- they knew. They knew and there was everything from disgust to filthy comments that had his stomach turning to... oh god, just everything. Even offers to help him get help of some kind to questioning if Dean was making him do this somehow because who could possibly fuck their own sibling willingly--which nearly got him to lose his temper.

That's when he left.

But that wasn't even the end more disturbing news. There was so much more than that.

Comments

[samefivealbums]

Dean was just climbing out of the shower when he heard the door open and then slam closed. It was way too soon for Sam to be done with classes and his brother wasn't the door slamming type, so Dean was instantly on edge. And unarmed. Damn it. All of his weaponry was stashed in the spare room between hunts. There were wards and salt lines, Dean had insisted, but nothing directly at hand to defend himself with.

Particularly not while he was naked and still mostly dripping. He wrapped the towel around his waist and then heard Sam's panicked voice coming closer. He frowned and stepped out of the bathroom, hurrying to meet his brother in the bedroom.

"Sammy, what's wrong?" His little brother looked like he was about to cry. What the hell? Dean reached for him. "What happened?"

[onlytobenormal]

He took a few deep breaths when Dean came out to meet him, trying to calm down. Had to calm down even if calm was the last thing he felt. His head was buzzing with so many things and all he could do was numbly stand there when Dean reached for him, not exactly returning any touches or leaning in. Couldn't.

"We... we--" What, gotta pack? Gotta talk? Really fucked up? So many ways to end that sentence.

"People know about us." There, that summed it up, he figured. "They know, Dean. Not just talk, not someone teasing about us being too close... they know and--" He gave Dean a look, more helpless than he'd like to look right now but he didn't even know what to do right now, what to say.

[samefivealbums]

It had been a long time since Dean saw Sam looking so frightened. His brother was stiff and unresponsive when he tried to hold him, too. Looked like he was in shock or hysterics or something worse.

Dean held onto him tighter and guided him over to sit on the edge of the bed. "Okay, deep breath Sam. Whatever's happened, we can't fix it right this second, so you've gotta calm down. Okay?"

He cupped a hand to the side of Sam's face to keep eye contact. "Tell me what happened. How do they know?"

[onlytobenormal]

Everything was ruined. He knew it. He'd blown it and it wasn't just his life at Stanford he'd blown, but Dean's too. He let himself be led to the bed, sat down even though he was on edge, every thing in him saying to get packed, get out before... God, before something went even worse. "We can't fix it at all, dude. They know... they know why I haven't been dating, why we tend to go off together, they know I come home and fuck my brother, okay?"

He regretted the snappish tone immediately, really, and he took in a deep breath to calm himself, softening up a bit. "Yeah... yeah, I know, sorry. I'm trying. It's just--" A lot to take in.

he tilted into the hand on his face in an effort to calm down, to let it ground him. "Someone told them. Someone saw us." He knew that wasn't giving Dean much to go on and he took in a deep breath.

"A friend of mine."

[samefivealbums]

Dean didn't take offense at the snapping. Sam had a temper a lot like Dad. They both needed someone to yell at when the going got rough.

He listened and tried to work out what Sam was saying. It should have been simple, but part of him just couldn't believe what he was hearing. They were supposed to be safe.

He bit back the urge to respond that this 'friend' wasn't much of one and nodded instead. "Okay. Someone saw us doing something they shouldn't have seen and now it's all over school?" And probably his work by now.

"Sam... I don't know what to say here. Can you live with this? Do you want to stay? Do we need to leave?"

[onlytobenormal]

"Pretty much, yeah." He leaned forward, elbows on his knees as he looked down at the floor. It'd be spreading all over and-- they couldn't deny it. How could they? It was so easy to make the connections now. The marks Sam would show up with on his neck sometimes when there wasn't any good explanation on who gave them, the way they spent so much time together... God, the weekends he'd spend away from everyone before Dean even moved up.

He couldn't blame that 'girl' he'd had staying with him for a month either. She couldn't be brought back... at least, not in a way he'd ever ask of Dean.

He rubbed a hand over his face. "Can I live with people looking at me like I'm a disgusting freak? Can you?" And the thing was... the thing that got him was he didn't feel disgusting.

He always thought if people found out, there'd be shame or guilt or disgust him himself for fucking his own brother. That it'd be the kick in the face he needed to realize that, yeah, what they had here... it wasn't okay.

He knew it wasn't normal, not by most people's standards, but knowing logically that it was fucking disgusting to most people didn't do crap to the way it felt when he was tangled up with Dean. God, he was a freak.

"... We have to leave. It's not just about people knowing... I wish it was." He shook his head, getting to his feet. If they were doing this, then they had to do it now... he couldn't stomach sticking around. He went to wordlessly grab the duffel out of his closet, tossing it on the bed and grabbing out clothes and--yeah, okay, the weapons he'd brought up with him when he first left. Hadn't taken anything impressive--just some basics to keep him safe if he had to use them or at least to give Dean some peace of mind that his brother was 'safe' at college.

"Brady was the one who let it slip." Brady... one of his best friends here, one of the people he'd trusted the most, the guy he'd helped back from the brink when he was drinking his life away. God, he felt like an idiot for being hurt, but...

[samefivealbums]

"It's not about me," Dean answered back as gently as he could. Could he live with it? Probably. Nobody'd ever really thought much of him to begin with. Sam was the one with so much to lose. "I can get a bar tending job anywhere, Sammy. There's only one Stanford."

Dean didn't feel bad about what they were doing. He did feel awful about his brother getting hurt and humiliated at school and if he could get five minutes with this 'friend' of his, Dean would make him feel awful, too.

Brady. Dean met him a few times on the various group things he'd been invited to. Seemed like an okay guy. A little on the stoner side, but Dean didn't judge those things. Now he wished he'd judged a little harder. Love to get his hands on that kid, just once.

He stood up and got between Sam and his packing. "Hold up, Sammy. Just for a minute."

Wrapped his arms around his brother and held on tight. "Five minutes isn't gonna make a difference either way, okay? Just breathe for a minute." He sighed and put his head down on Sam's shoulder. "I'm sorry about this. So sorry. I never wanted to see you hurt like this."

[samefivealbums]

"Give you anything," Dean answered as he wrapped his free arm around Sam and held him tight against him. The other hand stopped stroking him and slipped around behind him, fingers pressing gently against his entrance. The lube was in the other room and he really didn't feel like letting go of Sam long enough to get it. It was possible to do it without, just took longer. He had plenty of time and patience, though, in this case.

He pressed Sam against the wall with his body, kissing him long and deep. Pressed in and rocked his body against him while his fingers worked to gently open and relax him.

[onlytobenormal]

Sam leaned in when he was pulled, his hands rubbing down his brother's back, keeping him close. It was so much easier to forget when he had Dean up against hi like this, his fingers working him open like that as he felt the cool tile press into his back.

He moaned softly against his lips, pressing back against those fingers and in to grind against Dean as he let that kiss linger. God, they shouldn't be doing this probably, but he couldn't bring himself to give it up.

[samefivealbums]

There was no way Dean could deny Sam anything. Not right now, when his brother was hurting and needed him. Maybe it wasn't the smartest thing he'd ever done to suggest shower sex to Sam so soon after all this, but he wanted his brother to feel good.

The way Sam was moving and moaning like that just made him want to give him even more.

[onlytobenormal]

Maybe it was stupid to rush into this, to press for his brother to fuck him in the shower when it was fucking that landed them in this mess, but... it was a comfort, for both of them hopefully. A way to be close.

When the kiss was ended, he lapped at the other's lips teasingly, his breath heavy and his eyes half-lidded. "Dean..."

He squirmed a little back against those fingers. Wasn't the same without the lube, but it wasn't bad. Right now, he was just eager for anything anyway, as long as it was Dean giving it to him. "Love you."

[samefivealbums]

Sex had always been comfort for Dean. Before Sam, it was sometimes the only human contact he got for days. With Sam, it was so much better than just body contact. It was love and affection and he needed it, all that he could get. "Love you, too, Sammy. Always gonna."

It took longer than usual usual, but when Dean felt Sam ready for more he gently withdrew his fingers and nudged him to turn around.

[onlytobenormal]

By the time Dean had nudged him to turn around, Sam was already breathing heavy, expression hazy as he turned, leaned against the wall, cheek pressed against the tile. His head angled so he could watch his brother, eyes lingering over him. "Dean, please... need you."

[samefivealbums]

"Ozzy's a man of simple needs," Dean agreed, smiling down at their puppy.

Sam's second comment brought him back to the present and he nodded again, bumping his shoulder gently against his brother's. "I know. It feels like one of our weekends off and we'll be headed home, soon." He laughed ruefully and shook his head. "Been a while since a place was 'home'. Kinda gonna miss it."

[onlytobenormal]

"Yeah..." He tilted his head down, shrugging. "Me too, Dean. Do you really think we should try again? Somewhere else?"

[samefivealbums]

"I think it's a possibility. I don't actually know what the alternatives would be. I mean, it's not like you're gonna want to go back to the hunting life, right?" He shrugged, glancing over at Sam. Hunting and the brief stint of 'normal and settled' at Stanford was all Dean knew. If there was another option, he wasn't seeing it.

[onlytobenormal]

Sam shrugged, shaking his head. "I just... I tried normal and I kinda failed at it, Dean. I ended up being more of a freak than I ever was back in high school actually."

And yeah, okay, it was still fresh and it still stung to see the reactions of everyone he'd considered a friend. It was understandable none of them had been approving... he'd actually approve of that crap? But still... didn't exactly leave him open to setting himself up for it again so soon.

"You really think no one's going to find out about us again?"

[samefivealbums]

It stung a little to be the thing that made Sam 'more of a freak', but he let it go. It was more or less his fault, anyway. "I'm just considering options. I don't know what else to do."

He glanced over and nodded. "Always gonna be a possibility for us, I think. Unless we pack up and leave for another country where no one knows us. I really don't know how else to keep it completely safe."

[onlytobenormal]

He was a freak all on his own, even if Dean hadn't-- wanted this or had walked out on it. He'd wanted it and he'd be lying if he said he hadn't. He should probably feel more guilty about it than he did, more ashamed. "I know, Dean..."

He didn't know what to do either. "I don't either... I wish I did. I guess we just--decide after we go back to the apartment for the rest of our stuff. I don't know."

[samefivealbums]

Dean knew Sam was trying to hold it together. He didn't want to rush him, he just got nervous when he didn't know what he was supposed to be doing. Especially when it was something that involved Sam hurting.

He looked up, a little surprised, but he nodded and smiled. "Sure. We'll grab some beers. Maybe order pizza tonight. There's always something that'll deliver to hotels."

[onlytobenormal]

"Sounds like a plan." He stretched out a foot under the table, nudging at his brother lightly, affectionately. "Maybe we can find a movie on or something."

[samefivealbums]

"Definitely. If not, there's always pay-per-view in the hotel." And he wouldn't even push for porn!

He smiled at the nudge and returned it gently. "We should crash the junk food aisle, too. Eat junk food and watch TV all day like proper bums."

[onlytobenormal]

"Yeah, sounds like a plan." That smile became a little more genuine. "Almost like old times... except no one to catch us living off junk food and soda."

Which had been one of the perks of being with just Dean when Dad was off on a hunt, admittedly.

[samefivealbums]

"Right? We'll stock up on beer, Funyuns, and candy. It'll be awesome." He grinned over at his brother, pleased to see him smiling a little more genuinely. He'd get Sam back to his old, cheerful, studious, overly responsible self sooner or later.

[onlytobenormal]

"Sounds great." It'd definitely be a step up from last night anyway. "Anything you want to do in the meantime? Still a little early for the beer an Funyuns, dude."