onlytobenormal | this was always built to crash [for samefivealbums]

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this was always built to crash [for samefivealbums]

Sam hadn't been gone an hour and that alone should alert Dean to something being wrong. Today should have been a long one--full of late classes and maybe meeting with friends after and getting in just in time to see his big brother off in time for work. Maybe give him something more than just a goodbye kiss, if they were both feeling up for it.

But it wasn't the case today. Sam was running in the front door, slamming it shut behind him. He looked breathless and flushed, like he'd been running and wide-eyed... maybe even scared. He didn't know if Dean would be awake or still resting up before work, but maybe the ruckus would have startled him. Either way, plans had changed, things had gone to shit like he'd feared they would right from the start.

Maybe he'd cry if every instinct in him wasn't screaming to run, to hide, and maybe to protect his big brother, protect them. Oh god, they'd need protecting too.

"Dean!" he called out, moving towards the bedroom. "Dean, we need to talk, now."

God, what were they going to do... this was so bad.

Everyone... God, everyone he knew and even people he didn't-- they knew. They knew and there was everything from disgust to filthy comments that had his stomach turning to... oh god, just everything. Even offers to help him get help of some kind to questioning if Dean was making him do this somehow because who could possibly fuck their own sibling willingly--which nearly got him to lose his temper.

That's when he left.

But that wasn't even the end more disturbing news. There was so much more than that.

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It had been a long time since Dean saw Sam looking so frightened. His brother was stiff and unresponsive when he tried to hold him, too. Looked like he was in shock or hysterics or something worse.

Dean held onto him tighter and guided him over to sit on the edge of the bed. "Okay, deep breath Sam. Whatever's happened, we can't fix it right this second, so you've gotta calm down. Okay?"

He cupped a hand to the side of Sam's face to keep eye contact. "Tell me what happened. How do they know?"

Everything was ruined. He knew it. He'd blown it and it wasn't just his life at Stanford he'd blown, but Dean's too. He let himself be led to the bed, sat down even though he was on edge, every thing in him saying to get packed, get out before... God, before something went even worse. "We can't fix it at all, dude. They know... they know why I haven't been dating, why we tend to go off together, they know I come home and fuck my brother, okay?"

He regretted the snappish tone immediately, really, and he took in a deep breath to calm himself, softening up a bit. "Yeah... yeah, I know, sorry. I'm trying. It's just--" A lot to take in.

he tilted into the hand on his face in an effort to calm down, to let it ground him. "Someone told them. Someone saw us." He knew that wasn't giving Dean much to go on and he took in a deep breath.

"A friend of mine."

Dean didn't take offense at the snapping. Sam had a temper a lot like Dad. They both needed someone to yell at when the going got rough.

He listened and tried to work out what Sam was saying. It should have been simple, but part of him just couldn't believe what he was hearing. They were supposed to be safe.

He bit back the urge to respond that this 'friend' wasn't much of one and nodded instead. "Okay. Someone saw us doing something they shouldn't have seen and now it's all over school?" And probably his work by now.

"Sam... I don't know what to say here. Can you live with this? Do you want to stay? Do we need to leave?"

"Pretty much, yeah." He leaned forward, elbows on his knees as he looked down at the floor. It'd be spreading all over and-- they couldn't deny it. How could they? It was so easy to make the connections now. The marks Sam would show up with on his neck sometimes when there wasn't any good explanation on who gave them, the way they spent so much time together... God, the weekends he'd spend away from everyone before Dean even moved up.

He couldn't blame that 'girl' he'd had staying with him for a month either. She couldn't be brought back... at least, not in a way he'd ever ask of Dean.

He rubbed a hand over his face. "Can I live with people looking at me like I'm a disgusting freak? Can you?" And the thing was... the thing that got him was he didn't feel disgusting.

He always thought if people found out, there'd be shame or guilt or disgust him himself for fucking his own brother. That it'd be the kick in the face he needed to realize that, yeah, what they had here... it wasn't okay.

He knew it wasn't normal, not by most people's standards, but knowing logically that it was fucking disgusting to most people didn't do crap to the way it felt when he was tangled up with Dean. God, he was a freak.

"... We have to leave. It's not just about people knowing... I wish it was." He shook his head, getting to his feet. If they were doing this, then they had to do it now... he couldn't stomach sticking around. He went to wordlessly grab the duffel out of his closet, tossing it on the bed and grabbing out clothes and--yeah, okay, the weapons he'd brought up with him when he first left. Hadn't taken anything impressive--just some basics to keep him safe if he had to use them or at least to give Dean some peace of mind that his brother was 'safe' at college.

"Brady was the one who let it slip." Brady... one of his best friends here, one of the people he'd trusted the most, the guy he'd helped back from the brink when he was drinking his life away. God, he felt like an idiot for being hurt, but...

"It's not about me," Dean answered back as gently as he could. Could he live with it? Probably. Nobody'd ever really thought much of him to begin with. Sam was the one with so much to lose. "I can get a bar tending job anywhere, Sammy. There's only one Stanford."

Dean didn't feel bad about what they were doing. He did feel awful about his brother getting hurt and humiliated at school and if he could get five minutes with this 'friend' of his, Dean would make him feel awful, too.

Brady. Dean met him a few times on the various group things he'd been invited to. Seemed like an okay guy. A little on the stoner side, but Dean didn't judge those things. Now he wished he'd judged a little harder. Love to get his hands on that kid, just once.

He stood up and got between Sam and his packing. "Hold up, Sammy. Just for a minute."

Wrapped his arms around his brother and held on tight. "Five minutes isn't gonna make a difference either way, okay? Just breathe for a minute." He sighed and put his head down on Sam's shoulder. "I'm sorry about this. So sorry. I never wanted to see you hurt like this."

"Yeah, well, Stanford isn't exactly a place I want to be right now." Not after today and he didn't exactly seeing it get any easier.

Sam could be single-minded, could be just like Dad when he set his mind to doing something. What he wanted to do now was get packed up, get out. Had to get out. He couldn't stick around like this, couldn't take the risk...

But Dean was standing in his way. "Dean, no, we have to go--"

His protests were cut short by that hug though, the way Dean held onto him like that, asked him again to stop. He let his eyes drift shut a moment before he let his his arms come up around Dean in return. "Hey--"

He took in a breath, trying to steady himself. "It's not your fault, Dean. I don't blame you, okay? Knew what I was getting into... I'm not stupid." He just kinda hoped that maybe it wouldn't come out so soon, that he'd make it through college at least...

"Would never say you were stupid, Sam." Sam might not have blamed him, but Dean kind of did. He started all this. If he'd walked away before it got serious, this wouldn't have happened. He got selfish, though. Knew it was selfish the whole time, but he couldn't stop.

He pulled back and nodded, releasing Sam and turning to call for Ozzy. The puppy came in cautiously and Dean patted the bed to encourage him to jump up. "Keep Sammy company, dude. I'll get dressed and get my stuff."

Dean dropped the towel and went to the dresser for clean clothes.

Sam let Dean pull away, frowning a little bit to himself. He was stupid. Had to be for starting this crap in the first place... not that he--regretted it. He regretted being found out and... God.

His head was spinning. His attention turned to the puppy stepping in cautiously and he just went wordlessly to pet him, picking him up. "Hurry, Dean. Get Oz some things together too. Going to need food, his leash... stuff like that."

Dean got dressed quickly and went into the spare room to dig up his duffel bag and pack the weapons he had stashed there. Tossed in his clothes on top and set the bag in the living room by the door. He grabbed the bag they carried Ozzy's stuff in and put the food, bowls, leash, his toys, and his harness into it. That bag and the pet carrier joined his duffel in the living room.

The last bag he packed held their 'personal' stuff they'd bought. They wouldn't likely need any of it tonight, but if some of Sam's punk friends decided to peek into the apartment while they were gone, well... no need to leave them any more ammo. Dean would worry about what they left behind later. After Sam calmed down. If he did.

He went back into the bedroom to check on his brother and grab the last of the 'toys'.

He got to his feet when Dean got back, gathering his own bag full of clothes and packing away his laptop in its bag... God, couldn't believe he was actually packing up to leave, that this was it. "... Where do we go, Dean?"

He just knew they had to go, he hadn't had time to figure out the where yet. "Not back to Dad... besides--" He shrugged, pausing. "He'd-- tell him too, I think. I don't want to risk anyone figuring out how to get hold of Dad." Not that it was easy, really.

"I think, for right now, we just need to pick a direction and drive." He packed away the last of their toys and tossed the bag toward the living room. Quite a few things to carry, but they'd manage. Part of him kind of felt a pang over the things they'd have to leave behind. He liked this place. Liked having a home.

"We'll grab a room somewhere when we stop for the night and figure out a better plan tomorrow. After we cool down some and try to put a plan together, okay?" He put his hands on Sam's shoulders and pressed a short kiss to his lips. "We'll figure something out."

Sam leaned into that kiss, taking a moment to breathe in and try to ease some of that tension. "... Yeah. Let's just go."

Hated that this was the last time they'd be coming back here... at least to live. This place had become home and he didn't want to give it up. Didn't know what they'd do now, where they'd go. he shouldered his bags and went to pick Ozzy up. "Come on, before someone sees us."

Dean picked up the rest of the bags and opened the door for them. He closed and locked it once he and Sam were out, then headed to the elevator. By the time they reached the ground floor, he was fairly well radiating hostility, so anyone they ran into would do well to take their opinions and unbroken faces elsewhere.

He opened the trunk to drop in their bags, tossed Ozzy's pet carrier in the back in case they needed it, and waited for Sam to get settled in the car with the puppy before he closed the trunk lid and climbed into the driver's seat.

Sam put Ozzy in the back seat so he'd have room to move around and settled in the passenger seat, just looking back at the building. None of this felt real. Anywhere in the vicinity of real.

When Dean settled in, he slouched a little further in his seat, looking down. "Well, you choose the direction, dude."

Dean chose a direction at random and started driving. It really didn't matter where they went right now. They had enough money to stay in a motel a night or two if they needed while they figured things out.

He thought about reaching for Sam's hand, but the way his brother was all curled up on himself in his seat like that made him think he might not be welcome to right now. He held a little tighter to the steering wheel and tried to focus on putting some miles between them and Stanford.

Eventually, Sam scooted a little bit closer to Dean because really, what did it matter now? No one to hide it from now that didn't already know. He reached out to rest a hand on Dean's leg, just to touch him.

He didn't know what to say. He was sorry wouldn't cut it and Dean'd never accept it anyway and whining about what they'd just lost, crying about it, wouldn't change it. It'd just get Dean apologizing again. So he just breathed out a soft sigh and tilted his head to rest on Dean's shoulder, trying to think.

Dean reached down to cover Sam's hand on his knee and turned to press a brief kiss to his forehead with he felt his brother's head on his shoulder. He had no idea what to say, either. He couldn't shake the heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach that said he'd ruined Sam's life beyond repair.

He turned back to the road and just drove in silence for a while. He could hear Ozzy shifting and snuffling around in the back seat. The puppy hadn't had a lot of car rides in his little life yet. Now he'd have all he could stand, most likely. Dean bit back a sigh and squeezed Sam's hand lightly. "I love you."

Sam was just watching the road pass by as they put miles between them and their 'home'. Part of him bitterly thought he should have realized it wouldn't last, that this is how it'd end. Maybe even if Dean hadn't come back into his life... wouldn't have been able to stick in one place for long.

He could hear Ozzy in the back too and looked back briefly to watch the puppy move around back there. He'd definitely have a lot of time to get used to car rides now, he supposed. The squeeze to his hand drew his attention back and he nodded. "Yeah... love you too, Dean."

For a couple of hours, Dean just drove. When it started to get late and the gas gauge was running down, he started looking for a place to stay for the night. He found a place that allowed pets, finally, and pulled into the parking lot with a tired sigh. Man, it felt like this day had been a week long so far.

He turned to Sam and leaned his head against his brother's. "I'll grab us a room if you wanna hang out with Ozzy for a few minutes?"

When they finally stopped, Sam paused when Dean leaned in against him, meeting his eyes. Felt like today was dragging on forever. He was just glad to finally be somewhere to stretch out a little. "Yeah... okay, Dean."

He nudged his forehead against Dean's lightly before drawing away. "I'll get Ozzy and a couple of our bags to bring in."

"Okay." Dean handed him the keys to get into the trunk and then climbed out of the car and headed for the office. After a few minutes, he returned with two keys and tucked one into Sam's jeans pocket while he held the puppy. "Got us a double so Ozzy can have one of his own. I don't want him on my knees tonight."

By the time Dean got back, Sam had the bags with their clothes and his laptop bag out, along with Ozzy's things. Definitely wasn't in the mood for any of their 'toys' so... yeah, those could just stay right where they were. He looked over at Dean when he tucked a key into his pocket, snorting lightly. "That's taking spoiling to a whole new level, dude. His own bed? He might get used to that."

"Keeps him out of ours. That's all I care about tonight." Dean left Sam with the puppy and reached for the bags to carry in. He followed Sam to the door and let his brother open it. The place was just about identical to any number of the thousands of places they'd stayed growing up. Familiar. Not entirely pleasant, but familiar.

Dean set the bags down on the spare bed and sat down on the other with a tired sigh.

Sam set Ozzy down once they were inside and the door was shut and locked, watching his brother settle on the other bed. He took a moment to get Ozzy some fresh water and food, tossing out a couple of his toys to keep him entertained before going to join him on the bed.

He crawled up behind him and slipped his arms around his brother, pulling him close as he brushed a soft little kiss to the back of his neck. "You should get some sleep, dude. Been a long day."

Dean pulled Sam's arms tighter around him and leaned back into his brother's chest. Felt good just to not be driving for a while. The kiss on his neck made him smile. He turned his head and kissed the side of Sam's face softly.

"Feel like I just got up, but I'm wiped. Maybe grab a short nap, then we'll figure out dinner or something?" They'd driven right through lunch.

this was always built to crash [for samefivealbums]

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