onlytobenormal | de-aged [For samefivealbums]

"Hm..." somehow he kind of figured Dean probably didn't do much while he was gone, but he wouldn't have guess he'd spent any of it crying. Dean didn't cry much, not unless it was real bad.

He finished up what he wanted of his food and shifted closer to Dean, leaning against him, head resting on his shoulder. "I don't care, Dean..."

He tipped his head back to look at the other. "You feel any better?"

Dean leaned his cheek against Sam's head. His eyes closed. It felt really good to be close, even if he was afraid to push it any further.

When Sam looked up, Dean moved to meet his eyes. He shrugged and looked away a little. "Not much, really."

Sam was quiet, eyes darting back down. "So, what do you want to do, Dean?"

Didn't really look forward to the answer, but Sam was never good at sitting by idly watching his brother suffer without trying to do anything at all for him.

"I mean, what... do you- do you think this is wrong, man?" He'd asked time and again and Dean kept reassuring him that he wanted this, that they weren't hurting anybody. They weren't, but Dean was hurting now and it was because of this thing between them. He hated that.

"I don't know." He sighed and looked down at his hands in his lap. That was a question he'd been struggling with all day. What did he want to do? It wasn't like he knew how to fix this. Couldn't go back in time and make it not have happened. He wasn't sure he'd be strong enough to do it even if he could.

"I feel like I've done awful things to you. I've damaged your life beyond repair. I don't know what to do with that. With myself."

"Dean, that's a load of crap. I told you... I started thinking about you way before you ever even knew. You weren't responsible for that..." He shifted to sit up a little straighter, studying Dean, trying to weigh his reactions.

"So, what... Do you want to stop this?" Sam wanted to be stubborn, argue because this was... one of the great things about his life right now, something that he'd been able to count on. He didn't want to lose it... But he didn't want Dean to sit around thinking crap like that either.

"Want to? Of course I don't want to stop this. You're the only part of my life that's worth anything." He rubbed his face with both hands. There wasn't anything he could do to change the awful things he'd done. Stopping now... that wouldn't fix it.

But, did he deserve to be happy with it? With Sam? "I feel like a freakin' child molester, Sam. Somebody ought'a be slapping cuffs on me, not letting me live here and be happy."

"Last time I checked, I was twenty when we started this, dude. That's not a kid. You never did anything to me when we were growing up... dude, you chased girls like your life depended on it." He sat up straighter, turning on the couch to face his brother.

"And if you remember, I kissed you, Dean. God- I'm the one who wanted this. You just wanted me back in your life, right?" He didn't know where child-molester factored in to all that.

"I know, Sammy. I just..." He took a shaky breath and finally met Sam's eyes. He felt like he was going to lose it again. "It was just really hard to see you looking at me like that. No twelve year old should have to try and figure out why his big brother is fucking him."

"Yeah, well, you shouldn't be jerking off to your big brother growing up either or hunting monsters or moving from place to place every couple weeks either, but I think we covered that we're not exactly normal, Dean." He gave a helpless shrug, maybe regretting the bluntness, but he felt cornered here, didn't know how to make things okay.

"Look, I know it's messed up, Dean, but it's not your fault... none of it is."

Dean couldn't argue with any of that. Nothing about them had ever been normal. He shifted a little closer and slowly put his head down on Sam's shoulder. "Just tell me... I mean think hard... was there ever anything... a look, a word, anything that I might have done to give you this idea? Started you thinking about me like that?"

Sam's hand came up automatically to rest against the back of Dean's head, cradling him close. He was quiet for awhile, just trying to think back on everything like Dean was asking him. It was hard to pinpoint when he'd spent a better part of his time trying his hardest to not think about it... wasn't like he'd asked to be more of a freak than ever. "Dean, I don't- remember anything in particular. You've just... you were the only constant thing in my life, you know."

He let out a sigh. The hell was he supposed to say? "You were there, Dean, more than anybody else. You taught me everything from-- tying my shoes to how to hold a gun, man. You went and did all the dumb school stuff I asked you to when you shouldn't have had to... Dad should've been there."

"You're just... I've looked up to you for as long as I can remember, Dean. Used to try to be just like you, watched you all the time, memorized every gesture, every expression." If he felt like a girl for some of the crap he said before, this was fifty times worse. Judging by the heat in his face,he was probably red as hell.

Part of him felt wrong all over again, like some sick little freak for getting hard over his big brother and not just his big brother-- the guy who'd practically raised him to boot. Not to mention, he'd made a move when Dean had just been desperate to get him back in his life... he hadn't meant to be manipulative. He really hadn't, but it had ended up that way.

"I don't know why, Dean... I'm just a freak, I guess, and I'm sorry about that. I really am. Kinda my fault you've been through all the shit you have. If I hadn't-- you know, you wouldn't have gotten in that fight with Dad or had to run away from Stanford with me. God, that demon wouldn't have even touched you either... at least not in the same way. Any of the shit you've been through, maybe it could've been different."

God, he felt miserable. Like he'd just fucked Dean over big time and it was because of that that he made himself pull away, look away from Dean. he scrubbed a hand over his face to ward off any tears, ducked his head. Dean was his hero and maybe he'd taken that a little too far... messed them both up. "Uh, anyway, I can't think of anything you did, Dean. Nothing you ever said or did in particular."

"Shut up, Sam. You're not a freak," Dean told him, not unkindly. He'd been halfway ready to finally give in to the urge to shift his position and settle himself in Sam's lap -- Sam kept telling him time and time again that he was just as capable of taking care of Dean as Dean was of taking care of him -- but, now didn't seem to be the time to put that to the test. Not now that he'd managed to infect his brother with his own misery. Now, he needed to fix it.

Dean moved to wrap his arms around Sam and pull him close. He tucked his brother's head in against his shoulder and rubbed slow circles on Sam's back. "It'll be okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you on the spot. It's not your fault."

"It kinda is," he muttered stubbornly, not exactly wanting to relax into that hug. That wasn't how this was supposed to go... he shouldn't be the one getting comfort and so he slowly started to draw away. If he'd acted like a normal damn brother when Dean came to visit, it would've saved them a lot of grief and if he hadn't been so damn selfish to insist on... continuing this when he knew what Dean wanted-- no telling how things might have turned out.

Maybe not with running away from Stanford or Dean swallowing as many pills as he could get or demons... any of this crap.

"Dean, stop, man." He drew away after a moment, eyes meeting Dean's. "Look, you're stuck with me either way. We're not hunting or traveling, we've both got jobs here, we live together... I don't want you to leave and I don't want to go anywhere either."

He gave a shrug, looked up at Dean a little hesitantly. "So can you just do me a favor and think about this? You don't have to fuck me to keep me in your life, Dean, especially if it makes you feel that bad. So can you just think about it and make sure this is what you want? Really what you want, not just because of me. Please?"

"Sam..." Fuck. Dean almost grabbed him and pulled him back when Sam pulled away. Dean wanted desperately to hang onto him and it took a few seconds to tramp down his temper at the sudden loss. If he couldn't let himself seek his own comfort and if he couldn't comfort Sam, his next easiest reaction was anger, but he didn't want that. Didn't want to make things worse than he already had.

He took a steadying breath and tried to collect his thoughts to answer. "I'm fucking you because I want to, Sam. You don't chase me down and make me do it. I'm climbing you more often than you climb me."

"I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry the kid thing hit me like it did and I'm sorry I'm still struggling with it. I don't have a road map for this stuff. I'll figure it out, alright?"

He winced a little at that, looking down and away from Dean. "I don't want you to be sorry, Dean... God. You think I have all the answers? I don't... all I can tell you is I love you and yeah, I want to be with you. I'm sorry-- I'm sorry I freaked out when I was cursed or whatever."

Sam forced himself to look back up, meet Dean's eyes. "Thinking about you like that wasn't easy for me, man... I was disgusted, okay? Not with you, but with myself. I wanted to be like every other kid so bad and it was like everything was against it, even my own damn mind sometimes. Not only that, but I thought- man, I was so sure you would be sick if you knew. And so I didn't say anything... hell, I didn't say anything until I was so drunk, I still really can't remember much of that night. And that was only because yeah, I missed you so bad and I was too drunk to think about consequences."

He'd been pissed beyond belief, but it had been hard to go from having a family around constantly to being out on your own, cut off from them. "So yeah, I'm sure my reaction wasn't enthusiastic and I'm sorry, Dean. I'm sorry it made you feel like shit, but that little boy grew into me, okay? And you've never done anything to hurt me. So if it helps, I probably wasn't really that disgusted with you when I found out... I was probably disappointed in myself for turning out like a freak, going against my plan to get out and be normal."

He hesitantly reached over to touch Dean's shoulder, not sure if it'd be welcomed or not. "But you know what? I don't regret it. I wish I'd done some things different, maybe, but I'm glad. I'm happy we have this."

Fuck it. Dean moved back over, shifting to settle himself in Sam's lap. His arms slipped around Sam's neck and he tucked his face in against the side. "I don't regret this and I don't think you're a freak."

He closed his eyes and let himself relax. Dean took deep, slow breaths, letting himself soak up the warmth of Sam's skin and his scent. "I love you."

Sam didn't protest it when Dean decided to slip into his lap and soon,his arms came up and around him, holding him close. "Thanks, Dean..."

He was pretty sure he fit 'freak' pretty well, but it was reassuring at least one person who really knew him didn't think so... He turned his head, nuzzling into Dean lightly, letting out a low sigh. "I love you too."

Tension slowly started to unwind in him. This was what he needed. He always managed to avoid the one thing that would make him feel better when he was in such bad shape. Some kind of hardwired, Winchester self-punishment instinct, he supposed.

For a while, he just let himself sit there and hold on. He took a deep breath and kissed Sam's neck softly. "We okay?"

Sam just let Dean hold on,if that's what he wanted, his hand idly rubbing up his back in soothing little motions. At the kiss, he tipped his head in closer to his brother's and let his eyes drift shut. "... Yeah. We're good, Dean."

"Sorry I was such a pain," he mumbled against Sam's skin. He didn't want to move. Not for a while. He wanted to give himself a chance to be the kid for a minute, instead of being the one who had to be strong and in control. Just for a minute. "You were a cute little brat."

"You weren't..." he let out a short sigh, just enjoying the way Dean was curled into him, comfortable. He smiled a little at that. "I wasn't a brat, dude. But I got those pictures developed for you. Left'em in my jacket, I think..."

"How do you know? You don't remember. You could have been a total brat." He hadn't been, but that wasn't going to stop Dean from teasing him a little. It felt good to tease. Felt normal. Like everything wasn't going to stay messed up.

"You want to look at the pictures?"

"Because I remember what I was like at that age, dude." Okay, he could be a brat sometimes. He remembered it... but hey, Dean hadn't been perfect either!

He tightened his arms around his brother. It was good to see him teasing again... maybe things would be alright.

"Mm, if you want to. Guess I should be glad you didn't spend the entire time I was little convincing me aliens take over the world or something."

"Mmm." He wiggled in closer when Sam tightened his arms. That felt really good. He wasn't looking forward to having to move any time soon, but he did kind of want to see the pictures. "Who says I didn't? I can multi-task."

"Then you're a jerk." He flashed a small smile, leaned in to press his lips to Dean's temple lightly. "You wanna move for a minute? I'll grab the photos..."

More for their really strange photo album, he supposed.

de-aged [For samefivealbums]

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