onlytobenormal | de-aged [For samefivealbums]

"Shut up, Sam. You're not a freak," Dean told him, not unkindly. He'd been halfway ready to finally give in to the urge to shift his position and settle himself in Sam's lap -- Sam kept telling him time and time again that he was just as capable of taking care of Dean as Dean was of taking care of him -- but, now didn't seem to be the time to put that to the test. Not now that he'd managed to infect his brother with his own misery. Now, he needed to fix it.

Dean moved to wrap his arms around Sam and pull him close. He tucked his brother's head in against his shoulder and rubbed slow circles on Sam's back. "It'll be okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you on the spot. It's not your fault."

"It kinda is," he muttered stubbornly, not exactly wanting to relax into that hug. That wasn't how this was supposed to go... he shouldn't be the one getting comfort and so he slowly started to draw away. If he'd acted like a normal damn brother when Dean came to visit, it would've saved them a lot of grief and if he hadn't been so damn selfish to insist on... continuing this when he knew what Dean wanted-- no telling how things might have turned out.

Maybe not with running away from Stanford or Dean swallowing as many pills as he could get or demons... any of this crap.

"Dean, stop, man." He drew away after a moment, eyes meeting Dean's. "Look, you're stuck with me either way. We're not hunting or traveling, we've both got jobs here, we live together... I don't want you to leave and I don't want to go anywhere either."

He gave a shrug, looked up at Dean a little hesitantly. "So can you just do me a favor and think about this? You don't have to fuck me to keep me in your life, Dean, especially if it makes you feel that bad. So can you just think about it and make sure this is what you want? Really what you want, not just because of me. Please?"

"Sam..." Fuck. Dean almost grabbed him and pulled him back when Sam pulled away. Dean wanted desperately to hang onto him and it took a few seconds to tramp down his temper at the sudden loss. If he couldn't let himself seek his own comfort and if he couldn't comfort Sam, his next easiest reaction was anger, but he didn't want that. Didn't want to make things worse than he already had.

He took a steadying breath and tried to collect his thoughts to answer. "I'm fucking you because I want to, Sam. You don't chase me down and make me do it. I'm climbing you more often than you climb me."

"I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry the kid thing hit me like it did and I'm sorry I'm still struggling with it. I don't have a road map for this stuff. I'll figure it out, alright?"

He winced a little at that, looking down and away from Dean. "I don't want you to be sorry, Dean... God. You think I have all the answers? I don't... all I can tell you is I love you and yeah, I want to be with you. I'm sorry-- I'm sorry I freaked out when I was cursed or whatever."

Sam forced himself to look back up, meet Dean's eyes. "Thinking about you like that wasn't easy for me, man... I was disgusted, okay? Not with you, but with myself. I wanted to be like every other kid so bad and it was like everything was against it, even my own damn mind sometimes. Not only that, but I thought- man, I was so sure you would be sick if you knew. And so I didn't say anything... hell, I didn't say anything until I was so drunk, I still really can't remember much of that night. And that was only because yeah, I missed you so bad and I was too drunk to think about consequences."

He'd been pissed beyond belief, but it had been hard to go from having a family around constantly to being out on your own, cut off from them. "So yeah, I'm sure my reaction wasn't enthusiastic and I'm sorry, Dean. I'm sorry it made you feel like shit, but that little boy grew into me, okay? And you've never done anything to hurt me. So if it helps, I probably wasn't really that disgusted with you when I found out... I was probably disappointed in myself for turning out like a freak, going against my plan to get out and be normal."

He hesitantly reached over to touch Dean's shoulder, not sure if it'd be welcomed or not. "But you know what? I don't regret it. I wish I'd done some things different, maybe, but I'm glad. I'm happy we have this."

Fuck it. Dean moved back over, shifting to settle himself in Sam's lap. His arms slipped around Sam's neck and he tucked his face in against the side. "I don't regret this and I don't think you're a freak."

He closed his eyes and let himself relax. Dean took deep, slow breaths, letting himself soak up the warmth of Sam's skin and his scent. "I love you."

Sam didn't protest it when Dean decided to slip into his lap and soon,his arms came up and around him, holding him close. "Thanks, Dean..."

He was pretty sure he fit 'freak' pretty well, but it was reassuring at least one person who really knew him didn't think so... He turned his head, nuzzling into Dean lightly, letting out a low sigh. "I love you too."

Tension slowly started to unwind in him. This was what he needed. He always managed to avoid the one thing that would make him feel better when he was in such bad shape. Some kind of hardwired, Winchester self-punishment instinct, he supposed.

For a while, he just let himself sit there and hold on. He took a deep breath and kissed Sam's neck softly. "We okay?"

Sam just let Dean hold on,if that's what he wanted, his hand idly rubbing up his back in soothing little motions. At the kiss, he tipped his head in closer to his brother's and let his eyes drift shut. "... Yeah. We're good, Dean."

"Sorry I was such a pain," he mumbled against Sam's skin. He didn't want to move. Not for a while. He wanted to give himself a chance to be the kid for a minute, instead of being the one who had to be strong and in control. Just for a minute. "You were a cute little brat."

"You weren't..." he let out a short sigh, just enjoying the way Dean was curled into him, comfortable. He smiled a little at that. "I wasn't a brat, dude. But I got those pictures developed for you. Left'em in my jacket, I think..."

"How do you know? You don't remember. You could have been a total brat." He hadn't been, but that wasn't going to stop Dean from teasing him a little. It felt good to tease. Felt normal. Like everything wasn't going to stay messed up.

"You want to look at the pictures?"

"Because I remember what I was like at that age, dude." Okay, he could be a brat sometimes. He remembered it... but hey, Dean hadn't been perfect either!

He tightened his arms around his brother. It was good to see him teasing again... maybe things would be alright.

"Mm, if you want to. Guess I should be glad you didn't spend the entire time I was little convincing me aliens take over the world or something."

"Mmm." He wiggled in closer when Sam tightened his arms. That felt really good. He wasn't looking forward to having to move any time soon, but he did kind of want to see the pictures. "Who says I didn't? I can multi-task."

"Then you're a jerk." He flashed a small smile, leaned in to press his lips to Dean's temple lightly. "You wanna move for a minute? I'll grab the photos..."

More for their really strange photo album, he supposed.

"Am not. You're a jerk, you jerk." Dean leaned back at that kiss and Sam's request. Before he moved, he reached up to cradle Sam's face in both hands and kissed him. It had been days since he'd kissed Sam for real and he decided he didn't want to wait any longer. The kiss was soft and tentative at first, but deepened after a moment.

"Now I'm a jerk? Thought I was a bitch..." Not that either one was really better than the other. He was still smiling when Dean guided him into that kiss.

It felt like just yesterday for Sam, really, but after all the crap that had weighed them down today? he was glad to be getting it. Slowly, he pressed into the kiss, returning it as he rubbed a hand soothingly up Dean's back, resting it at the back of his head. "Love you," he murmured. Still had it bad for Dean, just as much as when he'd first started this.

"Love you, too." Dean murmured when the kiss ended. Then he grinned a little. "Bitch."

Reluctantly, he shifted to move off of Sam so his brother could go get the pictures. The huge stone that had been crushing his chest all day was gone and he felt like he could breathe again.

"You can't throw out a bitch now!" He rolled his eyes and reached over to muss Dean's hair playfully as he went to grab the envelop out of his pocket.

It was good to see him perking up... made Sam feel a little easier too. Photos in hand, he flopped back down next to his brother and smiled. "Let's see what goofy pictures you managed to snap of me."

"Sure I can, bitch!" Dean smiled and curled back up at Sam's side when he sat back down. Thought about climbing into his lap again, but he supposed he'd been girly enough for one day.

He took the pictures out of the envelope and started to flip slowly through them. There were several from the ghost tour and a few at the aquarium. His favorite was a picture of him "feeding" Sam to an interested looking shark in the glass shark tunnel. They were both laughing while a bemused tourist snapped the picture for them.

"You're a jerk." When Dean curled up at his side, Sam leaned in and started to look through the envelope as Dean went through it. He smiled to himself a little... laughing a little at that one picture.

"God, you're a dork." But they looked happy... And from what he could remember of the last couple days, he'd felt happy...

"Looks like fun. But I'd like to see you try to feed me to a shark now."

"That's my favorite. We should frame it." Dean smiled at it. That was a fun day. Even if there had been a little underlying tension here and there.

"I liked seeing little you again, you know. I made a lot of mistakes the first time around. It was nice to have a chance to do it right."

"You weren't so bad, Dean. I mean, you were just a kid yourself... kinda unavoidable there'd be mistakes made, right?" He looked the picture over, smiling a little wider. "Besides, uh, I know I was an ass to you when I started getting older... Wasn't really fair to take it all out on you 'cause Dad pissed me off."

"It was hard sometimes..." He shrugged. "You needed me, though."

He put the pictures aside and wrapped his arms around Sam's waist. He wiggled in close and let his head rest on Sam's chest. "You asked me, after I admitted what we were together here, if I'd change anything about us and I said no. Would you?"

"I did, Dean..." No reason pretending he hadn't. He'd needed his brother... only thing that kept him sane between the fights with Dad, even if the fights with Dean were just as headache inducing sometimes.

He rubbed at Dean's shoulder when he wiggled in even closer, thinking it over. "No, not really. There's been a lot of crap, but I like where we are right now."

Better than he'd thought it would be.

"Good. Better not. Kick your ass." He mumbled, rubbing his cheek against Sam's shoulder. One hand slipped under Sam's shirt, moving over his stomach and chest lightly. Dean had wondered if he would have trouble touching Sam now after seeing him as a kid again, and he waited to feel bad doing it, but mostly it was just good to have the warm skin and tight muscles under his palm again. "I missed you."

de-aged [For samefivealbums]

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