onlytobenormal | I don't know how to let you go [For whatheneeds

I'm gomna have to start sleeping during the day or we'll never even see each other, you get that right? [he looked around, getting nervous. He couldnt give in]

_{[Sam couldn't help it, it felt like a punch to the gut... he should have known this would happen.]} You know what? Whatever, Dean. I said I got it... So why don't you just say it, you're not comfortable around a monster?

_{[Dean could argue he was the same all he wanted, that he was just Sam, but... he wasn't. Dean had to be seeing that, right? Sam had seen it every damn day and night.]}

What?! Sam that's not what I'm saying! You're still you, you're still good. I'm not talking about anything like that,I'm saying logistically this situation is fucked. I'm always gonna slow you don't, hold you back from stuff and you can say I won't or that it doesn't matter....and it might not matter today, but what about in twenty or thirty years?

I'm not- _{[He wasn't entirely good. If he was, he wouldn't have fed on people, he wouldn't be thinking that it would be easier to turn Dean, that he could keep him that way.

That was beyond selfish and he knew it.]} Then... I don't know, Dean. You'll still be my brother and you're all I really have left right now. I don't have school, I don't have normal... I can't even hunt like this. Dad would kill me if he ever sees me again, so I don't even have him either.

Dean, I'm not even going to ever look older than this either. I'm stuck. What am I supposed to do?

I don't know but having me here won't fix you, and it'll only be a temporary thing cause....I'm temporary. [He didn't nt to become an old man while Sam stayed the same, it would be too weird]. Look I don't wanna be alone either, which is why we're still gonna be in each others lives.

_{[It was too tempting to cling and beg or... worse. He took a step back, looking down.]} I don't know, Dean...

Sam... [he took a step towards his brother, unsure of what to say. He didn't know what the hell the right thing was, be just didn't want to see Sam in pain]

_{[He backed up another step, shaking his head.]} Maybe I should go... _{[He'd hoped that Dean'd be leaving with him tonight, that he wouldn't be facing this crap alone, but that had been pretty stupid of him...]}

Do you still... do you have my stuff? I'd like to get some of my clothes, maybe some of my books at least.

Sam just...stop for a second. Fuck! [this was ridiculous, he couldn't say he was gonna leave then try to stop Sam from taking off]. I just don't know what to do Sam...I'm so sorry....

I don't know what to do either, Dean. _{[But he'd already been over killing himself or tracking Dad down and Dean hadn't wanted either of those... maybe it was for the best if Dean wasn't with him. He couldn't really stop him from doing either that way at least.]} It's not your fault.

Sam you gotta be honest with me, if Ito will you kill yourself? [The idea of it made his voice tremble slightly when he asked the question]

What? _{[He snorted. Like he could be honest with that. If he was, Dean would stay and it wouldn't be because he'd want to. He'd be ridding the world of a monster if he did... animals worked now, but who knew if it'd always be that way and he was already thinking horrible crap about Dean anyway. That was enough to make him a monster.]} I didn't say that.

Sam please, just...,be honest. Look, I'm sitting [He stepped away from the back and sat down on the large bed he'd gotten for himself when he bought the room,thinking he would be alone in ut]. Just tell me what you're thinking, I could always figure it out before and now I've got nothing.

_{[He leaned his back against the closest wall, not really trusting himself to get too close to Dean. He looked down.]} I'm thinking a lot of things, Dean... and mostly, I'm thinking it would probably have been better if I'd gone to Dad first.

Don't...don't say Sam, please. You found a way not to hurt anybody, there's no reason you have to die. [he looked up at Sam and tried to hold back those fucking tears]. Please Sam, don't go to Dad.

Dean... Don't do that, please. Either way, I'm a monster. So I made it one night on animals. What if that doesn't work out one day? I've already hurt someone, man... and you can say it was because I had just been turned, but it doesn't change it and it doesn't change-- a lot of things.

You didn't have any control over yourself! You do now, so please stop thinking about shit that hasn't happen. I can't go if I know you're just gonna off yourself when I'm gone. Look, just sit down and relax...you're still my brother, you don't need to do this.

Dean, you were right. I don't think you going with me would work. As much as I want you to... _{[And God, did he want him to. Just one normal thing in his life, someone who had his back...]} I think it'd be better if you stayed far away from me.

So you can off yourself? No, no fucking way. [He tried to while the tears away fast before they fell]. That's not fair.

No, it's not. [That's why he hadn't wanted to say anything. He let himself slip down the wall until he was sitting on the floor, drawing his knees up a little.

Only way to make Dean see? was probably to be honest here, as honest as he could be even if he didn't want to.] I keep thinking about making you like me, you know. I know that's unfair and you'd hate me for it... it's selfish, but I've been thinking about it anyway. That's why you're probably right in wanting to stay away from me and why you can't say I'm good. I'm not. And who knows what I'm going to become.

Edited 2012-03-14 05:53 (UTC)

[His eyes widened, trying to wrap his head around what Sam was saying. He couldnt let him do that, he couldn't stand himself if he became one of the things he hunted. Still...he couldn't say that wouldn't solve a lot of his problems. Sam and him would be equal...he wouldn't get le behind.

He quickly shook his head when he realized exactly what he was considering]. It's...I cant Sam. But that doesn't make you a monster for thinking bout it. If I were in your position? I probably would have thought about the same thing.

Dean, stop it. You know as well as I do if it was anyone else saying this, you'd kill them. [He was getting agitated now.] I'm a monster, Dean, and I should be hunted down... what makes me any different from anything else we've killed? And maybe I don't want to do this forever, Dean.

Edited 2012-03-14 06:04 (UTC)

Yeah but you're not anybody, you're Sam and that makes you different than anything we would fight. You don't want to hurt anybody. [he sighed and out his head down in his hands, resisting the urge to crumbled]. If...if I stay will you promise not to hurt yourself? [he knew this might ruin his life but if it kept Sam safe...he'd do it]

You're being an idiot, Dean. It doesn't matter.... _{[If he was Sam or not. He got it though. He wouldn't have been able to do it if things were reversed...]}

I didn't tell you that to make you stay, Dean. You don't want to stay with me, so don't do me any favors.

Its not about wanting to stay with you, you know I do...it's about all the other shit. Now I'll say it again, if I stay will you promise not to hurt yourself? [he looked up at him, begging him to just stop]

I don't know how to let you go [For whatheneeds

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